10 Years

Nine years and nine months ago, I was sure I'd never survive the first year, much less an entire decade. Plodding through each day took all the energy I could muster.

I don't even remember thinking about how life in the future would look without mom. The wedding was about as far in the future as I could focus at that point.

But now the future is here. It's been 10 years; an entire decade of life without mom.

And although my heart still breaks and I'm sometimes overwhelmed with grief and tears, I'm also so thankful for such grace. I don't live with constant regret, constant fear, continual questions. That's what I'm in for with dad, regardless of what any of us say or do. There will forever be the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and 'I wish'. Not how I want to live, and thankfully I don't have to with mom.

Today at church we sang Great is thy Faithfulness. Such appropriate words:

...a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow...

...morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided...

I am not now, nor will I ever be, thankful that mom is gone. But I am so thankful for such mercy and grace, such peace that eventually made my heart grateful rather than bitter or resentful. And hopeful.

Hopeful that life would continue without her.

Hopeful that I would eventually smile again, or even be able to laugh about memories of mom instead of cry about them.

Hopeful that I would be able to parent my children without her to guide me.

Hopeful that in time the ache would dull.

Hopeful that there will be a day when I smile when I think of her instead of feeling sad.

Hopeful that some day, hopefully FAR in the future, God will say, "See that sweet soul over there? Go spend some time with her."