10 Years

Nine years and nine months ago, I was sure I'd never survive the first year, much less an entire decade. Plodding through each day took all the energy I could muster.

I don't even remember thinking about how life in the future would look without mom. The wedding was about as far in the future as I could focus at that point.

But now the future is here. It's been 10 years; an entire decade of life without mom.

And although my heart still breaks and I'm sometimes overwhelmed with grief and tears, I'm also so thankful for such grace. I don't live with constant regret, constant fear, continual questions. That's what I'm in for with dad, regardless of what any of us say or do. There will forever be the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and 'I wish'. Not how I want to live, and thankfully I don't have to with mom.

Today at church we sang Great is thy Faithfulness. Such appropriate words:

...a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow...

...morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided...

I am not now, nor will I ever be, thankful that mom is gone. But I am so thankful for such mercy and grace, such peace that eventually made my heart grateful rather than bitter or resentful. And hopeful.

Hopeful that life would continue without her.

Hopeful that I would eventually smile again, or even be able to laugh about memories of mom instead of cry about them.

Hopeful that I would be able to parent my children without her to guide me.

Hopeful that in time the ache would dull.

Hopeful that there will be a day when I smile when I think of her instead of feeling sad.

Hopeful that some day, hopefully FAR in the future, God will say, "See that sweet soul over there? Go spend some time with her."

The important things in life

For Hope's writing assignment Wednesday, she had to write her favorite Bible story. She chose Jesus' birth. There were lots of misspellings and she apparently thought He was born in Befliham, but ya know...

Thursday's assignment was to finish the story from Wednesday. Usually, in this curriculum, that means re-writing her original story to correct any mistakes from the first draft. She seemed to think it meant 'finish the story'. This is what she wrote:

"After Jesus was born, Mary, Josuf, and Jesus went back home. When Jesus was 2 years old some wise men came to him and gave him gifts. Then he grew up and died for our sins."

So, on the one hand, I think I probably should make her aware of the fact that Jesus did have some of His life between birth and death documented. I think there may be one or two useful lessons somewhere there in the life of Christ.

On the other hand, I love that she sees His death as the end of His birth story. That's why He was born- not to be a good person and a model for us to strive to emulate, but to die for us. The in-between part was just a prelude to the end of the story.

Faulty Math

When this GE job came along, David was told travel would be involved, but it would only be about 30% of the time. I knew from the beginning that was WAY underestimated.

There is no way someone can have a territory as large as this one is, and only travel 30% of the time. If you figure 5 days a week and 4 weeks a month, the 30% is 6 days a month- there is no way you could cover 7 states in 6 days.

January, he was gone about 60% of the time.

February, same- about 60%.

Now here we are, halfway through March. David has been home 3 days so far this month. THREE. And they were 2 Saturdays and 1 Sunday.

He's been in Spokane more this month than he's been home. If we lived there, we would've seen him twice as much this month! Maybe moving there could still happen.

Yes, there have been days where he has either been here first thing in the morning or last thing at night, but that's just coming and going between trips.

Being here, actually BEING here, all day, with no plans to leave midmorning for a trip or pulling in from the airport at 9 or 10 at night, has been reduced to about 15% of our lives.

I will be patient; I will be patient; I will be patient....

This is not going to work.

Typical boring day

On paper, the days I don't go to work seem so boring.

But I love them:)

Today began at 2AM when Joel, whom I didn't lock in his room due to vomiting in his bed two nights ago, got in bed with me, left the bedroom door opened, and woke up Daniel. It continued at 6AM when, again, Joel woke up Daniel, this time with loud crying at his door because he was locked in his room. I got up and showered and made breakfast for whomever was awake.

Joel and Naomi played and made a mess of most of the house, and pretended to watch whatever Netflix movie was on each time I threatened to turn the TV off. Hope sat quietly somewhere and tried not to be noticed, so I'd forget she needed to be doing schoolwork.

Snacktime at 10; more tv/running around/playing whatever game Hope decides they all need to play. Lunch, naptime for Joel, and schooltime for Hope.

Since it was sunny, Naomi went out for a little while to play, but there was a bug outside. Imagine that- living creatures in the outdoors. But that's a deal-breaker for her. She stood on the back porch for 10 minutes and decided to come inside.

Hope spent much longer than needed on her schoolwork, as always. She actually seemed fairly motivated at first today. But it didn't last long- pretty soon she was daydreaming and dawdling. Joel woke up from his nap and went outside to play. Naomi joined him, but they both spent only a little while out there before they decided to come back in. More games/tv/fighting until dinner.

We had spaghetti, salad, and peach slices for dinner. Joel and Naomi both took baths, and then everyone went to bed.

Boring day. Didn't even leave the house. But I still wouldn't mind if they were all this boring.

Another shopping victory!

I've only taken all the kids shopping by myself once. I just wait for David to be home or go during my lunch break at work.

But my plans to go to Walgreens this morning before he left for New Jersey evaporated when he told me his flight left at 7am. Who leaves that early when you don't have to be there until the next morning?? But he swears that because of the time difference and the times the shuttles were running, that's what he had to do.

So, what do I do? Do I wait until Tuesday and go during lunch, in which case everything I want will be sold out? Or do I go on Sunday when I know the things I want will be in stock, but going will require taking four children with me. And not just any four children; my four children, three of whom make any shopping trip an experience in frustration. Hope whines the entire time because she wants a treat and pouts when I say no- which I always do as a matter of principle to not give in to the whining; one would think she'd learn not to bother asking. Naomi cries if the wind blows or if Hope holds her hand or if Hope doesn't hold her hand when Naomi wants her to......you get the idea. Joel- I swear, that boy could have a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese with Thomas and Diego in attendance and have ToysRUs provide an entire truckload of presents and he'd still find something to throw a fit about. Daniel is just as sweet as can be unless he's hungry or a sibling hurts him. One out of four isn't bad, right?

I decided, since I only was going to buy some PediaCare that was basically free after coupons, that I'd go to Walgreens, leave the kids in the car, and just run in and buy the medicine.

But then I saw the Walgreens ad in person and realized there were some other good deals that would require some time in the store.

Naomi whimpered a bit because she was sure she'd get hit by a car in the parking lot if she wasn't holding Hope's hand; Joel started to enter 'fit' mode because he had to sit in the back of the cart instead of the front, but overall, they were very well-behaved. Joel started singing a little loudly at times, but it beats yelling at the top of his lungs, which very easily could've been the situation.

With all the deals this week, I spent $12 for $53 worth of stuff. I think 77% savings is worth gambling on a bad shopping trip.

I'm actually thinking of going back and doing all the transactions again when the boys wake up from their nap:)