Ways to Help Others When Their Life Stinks

I've been thinking today about poor Kristen and her family.  Although I'm nowhere near close enough, nor have I spoken to her since Julia was a baby, my mind has been going through things that people could do for her to help.  Whenever something bad happens, the first reaction seems to be to bring food.  Helpful-only maybe; gut reaction- definitely.  So I decided to start a list of things that I would've appreciated after mom died, and maybe someday I'll have a chance to do unto others what I would've liked done unto me.

1. Meals- use disposable dishes.  Nobody wants to feel guilty for not bringing back your dishes soon enough or forgetting what belongs to whom. Also, bring something frozen, with directions and the recipe taped to it.  We had more food than any family could reasonably have eaten.  But something to put in the freezer and pull out in a few weeks when the shock wore off and even transferring a dish from the fridge to the oven felt like an accomplishment would've been Heaven-sent. 

2. Housecleaning- I suppose if someone close to Lucy dies, this one won't apply, but  most people don't love housework.  I know there are many people who thrive on doing routine, mundane chores just so they feel like there is some semblance of normality, but if someone told me they were going to come over on this day to dust and vacuum for me, I wouldn't have said no.  Bring them a latte and tell the person to go somewhere that you won't bother them, unless they want your company, and clean a bathroom, make the beds, or mop the kitchen floor.  Take a nice basket and put anything out of place in it, so they can go through later and put things where they go. 
This would probably be even better if a pair of people went, so the bereaved didn't feel obligated to keep anyone company.

3. Laundry- I'm one of the oddballs who enjoys laundry.  I accept that most people don't.  Same principle as #2- tell them you'll be over to do a few loads of laundry.  Change the sheets, wash some towels, allow them to not have to worry about having clean underwear when their life is crashing down around them.

4.  Do not say "let me know if I can do anything" or "I'm here if you need me".
No one is going to take you up on that.  Say "tell me how I can help" or "what can I do to help you?"

5.  Talk is cheap.  Anyone who's been through a death can list 17 different platitudes that they'd rather punch someone in the face than hear again.  A simple "I'm so sorry" is sufficient.  Some people really want to talk after a tragedy, others are more private and won't talk.  If it's someone you're close to, just say "when you're ready, I'm here".  If it's an acquaintance, don't bother.  "I'm sorry for what you're going through" is all they need to hear.  Add an I'mprayingforyou if you'd like- definitely pray, but they don't need to hear it and, again, talk is cheap.  They won't care yet.

6. Go to Starbucks, buy 'em a coffee and a scone, and take it to them.  Do not go in the house.  Say "I'm thinking of you" and leave.  Unless you're really good friends and the person wants you to stay.  But usually, that's not the case.

7. Send a card.  You don't have to say anything profound.  "I'm sorry, I'm thinking of you in this difficult time".  I still appreciate many people who sent cards- not because it was any great help, but because it's the thought that counts and they thought of me.

8.  Send another card.  Life goes on for the rest of us, but not for the person who's experienced the loss.  Remember that they're still grieving.  The whole world shows up to help initially, but very few remain after a few weeks.  Let them know you still care, you recognize they're still hurting, and again ask how you can help.

9.  Run errands.  Ask if it would be helpful if you went grocery shopping for them.  Pick up their prescriptions. Tell them you're going to Target and ask if there's anything they need while you're there. Little things can cause a cascade of tears, and being in public where the tears might start is a risky thing at first. 

10. Seems like there should be 10 things, so I'll come up with one more.  Flowers- they're nice, they really are.  But after a death when everyone sends flowers to the funeral home, someone has to deal with those flowers.  Take 'em home, watch 'em die, throw them out.  Lately the trend seems to be buying plants instead.  Usually, those eventually die too, and then you feel bad because you couldn't keep a stupid plant alive and it reminds you that you got the plant because someone died and now the plant died too and why does everything in this life die? Except spiders.  They seem to live forever no matter how much bug spray I use.  Send a nice, non-funeral-y bouquet of flowers, but do it later.  Like with the Just-thinking-of-you card you're going to send a month or two after things quiet down. 

I'm sure there's more.  People much more imaginative and helpful and caring than I am could probably come up with a whole 'nother list that would put mine to shame.  I think there's only two things you can do that aren't helpful: do nothing, and open your big mouth.  Keep your mouth shut (except for a few short, limited phrases that don't involve death being God's will or deceased person being in a better place) and your hands busy.